My hair is washed and clean, they gave me the strangest shampoo, calm down, and look at me. I smiled at her, I told her to look at me, I’m right here, I’m okay, everything’s okay, I’m right here. Instinctively and immediately, I wanted to take away her pain. My sister picked me up, face wet from tears and contorted in anguish. They gave me huge hugs, and then I walked out of the hospital into the parking lot wearing the new sweatshirt and sweatpants they provided me, as they had only allowed me to keep my necklace and shoes. Imagine stepping back into the world with only that information. But for now, I should go home and get back to my normal life. On that morning, all that I was told was that I had been found behind a dumpster, potentially penetrated by a stranger, and that I should get retested for HIV because results don’t always show up immediately. I wanted to take off my body like a jacket and leave it at the hospital with everything else. I was terrified of it, I didn’t know what had been in it, if it had been contaminated, who had touched it. I stood there examining my body beneath the stream of water and decided, I don’t want my body anymore. I had long, pointed beaks inside me and had my vagina smeared with cold, blue paint to check for abrasions.Īfter a few hours of this, they let me shower. I had multiple swabs inserted into my vagina and anus, needles for shots, pills, had a nikon pointed right into my spread legs. To calm me down, they said it’s just the flora and fauna, flora and fauna. The three of us worked to comb the pine needles out of my hair, six hands to fill one paper bag. My clothes were confiscated and I stood naked while the nurses held a ruler to various abrasions on my body and photographed them. I was asked to sign papers that said “Rape Victim” and I thought something has really happened. I shuffled from room to room with a blanket wrapped around me, pine needles trailing behind me, I left a little pile in every room I sat in. Because my gut was saying, help me, help me. My brain was talking my gut into not collapsing. I thought maybe, the pine needles had fallen from a tree onto my head. Then, I felt pine needles scratching the back of my neck and started pulling them out my hair. In order to keep breathing, I thought maybe the policemen used scissors to cut them off for evidence. I still don’t have words for that feeling. The thin piece of fabric, the only thing between my vagina and anything else, was missing and everything inside me was silenced. I still remember the feeling of my hands touching my skin and grabbing nothing. When I was finally allowed to use the restroom, I pulled down the hospital pants they had given me, went to pull down my underwear, and felt nothing. I still remained calm, assured he was speaking to the wrong person. I was very calm and wondering where my sister was. I thought maybe I had fallen and was in an admin office on campus. I had dried blood and bandages on the backs of my hands and elbow. The next thing I remember I was in a gurney in a hallway. I made silly faces, let my guard down, and drank liquor too fast not factoring in that my tolerance had significantly lowered since college. I called myself “big mama”, because I knew I’d be the oldest one there. My sister teased me for wearing a beige cardigan to a frat party like a librarian. On the way there, I joked that undergrad guys would have braces. Then, I decided it was my only night with her, I had nothing better to do, so why not, there’s a dumb party ten minutes from my house, I would go, dance weird like a fool, and embarrass my younger sister. I planned to stay at home by myself, watch some TV and read, while she went to a party with her friends. I was working full time and it was approaching my bed time. My dad made some dinner and I sat at the table with my younger sister who was visiting for the weekend. On January 17th, 2015, it was a quiet Saturday night at home. You don’t know me, but you’ve been inside me, and that’s why we’re here today.
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